Top Gum/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going with that? Lacey Burrows: I'm taking it for a walk. Hank: Oh. Lacey: I'm throwing it out Hank, the knob's broken. Hank: Oh, hey,, if I fix it, can I have it? Lacey: You can have it even if you don't fix it. Although, I don't know why you'd want it. Hank: Nobody chews gum from a machine anymore. It's all arctic freeze or cinnamon swirly punch. Hey, remember what it was like, chewing gum as kids. Little Hank: Good gumballs, eh, Lacey? Lacey: Hmm, I didn't grow up here, Hank. Hank: Huh, who am I thinking of? Terry: I'd really appreciate your help. Emma Leroy: OK. Brent Leroy: What was that about? Emma: Terry wants my help digging a well. Brent: Oh, I didn't know you could run an auger. Emma: I can't. Well, I know it sounds strange but I can find water. Brent: That doesn't sound so strange. So can I, see, water. Emma: No, you walk around with divining rods and when they cross, that's where you dog. It's called water divination. Brent: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. So, you're some kind of water witch? Emma: I'm not a witch. It's a simple skill your grandfather taught me. Emma's Father: I can't figure out how to do this. Here, you try. She's a witch! Emma: My Father got teased a lot. Brent: Well, people can be cruel. Hey, she's a witch. See? Lacey: You know you live in a small town when people don't even write their phone numbers on the board. Davis Quinton: Well, you don't want to overwhelm the buyers with details. Lacey: What's that house like anyway? Wanda Dollard: Ah, it's in a good neighbourhood. Well, the only neighbourhood. Davis: Close to downtown. Lacey: Walking distance to bar and restaurant. What, you have to be from here to make a small town joke? Wanda: So it would seem. Lacey: You know, I've always wanted to fix up a house and then sell it again, like on those flippy shows. Davis: Well, the fact that you called them "flippy shows" makes me think it's not a good idea. Wanda: Lacey is a strong, determined woman. If she wanted to flip a house, she could flip a house. Lacey: Thank you, Wanda. Davis: She's only saying that 'cause she's selling Bernie's house for him. Lacey: You're a real estate agent? Wanda: Not as such, but Bernie trusts me. I've handled sales for him before. Yard Sale Lady: Who's selling the toaster? Wanda: Bernie. He wants a buck for it. Yard Sale Lady: 75 cents? Wanda: Where are we, Mexico? I said a buck. Lacey: That's hardly the same as selling a house. Wanda: A toaster's just a house for bread. Am I wrong? Lacey: Yeah. Oscar Leroy: What are you doing? Hank: Starting my own business. Gum ball business probably. Oscar: What makes you think you can make any money? Hank: Well, there's this old saying. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to feed a fish and round, round we go." Oscar: You've never run a business in your life. Hank: Like you have. Oscar: Yeah, it's called Corner Gas. Number one gas station in town. Hank: Well, ah, gum ball business is very different. For example, instead of gas, it's gum. Oscar: Good luck, genius. Karen Pelly: So, what's new? Brent: Nothing much. Oh, my Mom's a witch. Karen: Ah, I know, the other day she nearly bit my head off. Brent: No, I said "witch." A water witch. She divines water using sticks. Karen: That's weird. Emma: What's weird? Brent: You're weird. You and your water devastation thing. She got teased as a kid. Emma: Well back then, people could be insensitive. Karen: So, I guess that makes you a son of a witch. Emma: People are more mature now. Can you give me a ride up to Terry's farm? Brent: Sure, what's the matter? Your broom in the shop? Hank: Be sure to try my gum before you go. It's only a quarter. Fresh gum, tasty, gummy gum. Oscar: "Gummy gum?" Man, your business is gonna tank. Maybe you should be selling suckers. Hank: No, the sticks would get caught in the dispenser. Oh, that was an insult. Fine, how would you do it? Oscar: Start with a better name anyway. Hank: "Corner Gum?" Oscar: Yeah, but I spelt the word "gum" with gum. Hank: How did you make it stick? Oscar: It's gum. Lacey: Well, it's got potential. Wanda: It's got tons of potential. It's dripping with huge gobs of potential. Lacey: Ew, nice. Wanda: Forget the gobs thing, it's a great house. But I should tell you, there's another offer on it. Now personally, I would rather see you in it than them. Davis: You said the same thing to me 15 minutes ago. Wanda: I told you to wait in the car. Oscar: What are you doing? Hank: Hanging out at Corner Gum. Oscar: You're not gonna make money standing around reading comics. Hank: Works for Brent. Karen: Hey, guys. Oscar: What you need is a hook. Hank: Hmm. Yeah, or maybe a catchy jingle. You know, something like a, "Hank and Oscar's old-fashioned gum. Have a chew and enjoy the rest of your day." Oscar: Yep, a good hook is what we need. Hey, look at Karen. Davis: I saw the house first. Lacey: Yeah, like you can afford it. Wanda: You got lots of money. Up your offer to prove her wrong. Davis: You don't even know how to flip a house. Wanda: Should him you can, by adding a thousand to your bid. Lacey: It is a lot of money. Wanda: Not that much. Davis: What if we went in on this together? Wanda: OK, I should point out that many business partnerships end in court. Davis: We wouldn't have to outbid each other. Wanda: Some get violent. Lacey: We could save thousands of dollars. Wanda: Some end in murder. Davis: What the heck, let's do it. Wanda: I'm sorry, I can't let you do this in good conscience. Lacey: Fine, we won't buy the house then. Wanda: I think you are going to be very happy with your new house. Oscar: How would you like to show the kids how to blow bubbles at Corner Gum? Hank: yeah, but nothing fancy. Just a good, old-fashioned bubble. Don't be making poodles or giraffes or anything. Karen: Look, I appreciate the offer but I have more important things to do. Police work. Jane (Gum Mother): Excuse me Officer, could I get a picture of you with my kid? Karen: Sure, I'm not doing anything. Oscar: But, you have to buy a gumball first. Hank: Hey, yeah. Hey, everybody! Buy a gumball and get a free picture with Officer Karen, the gum-chewing cop! Karen: Do I get a cut? Oscar: Shut up and blow. Brent: So, how does this work? Do you wiggle your nose or summon some spirits or... Jennifer: Wow, that is so cool that you can do that. Terry: Do you mind if my niece watches? Emma: No. Hear that? She thinks it's cool. Jennifer: Have you always been able to do this, um... Brent: Water deviation? Yeah, kinda runs in the family. Normally I would do this but I like to give her some practice. Emma: You know, I'm not feeling it today. Why don't you give it a try, hot shot. Terry: Hey, I didn't hire an amateur. Brent: Didn't you hear what she called me? Hot shot. That's my nickname down at the water finding shop. All right, I don't want to freak you non-water finders out but, what happens here is these two thingys, cross, sometimes. Emma: Oh, gimme those. Jennifer: Oh, wait. They just moved. Brent: They did? I mean, don't be frightened, that's what they do. Terry: Hey, I think you just found us some water. Brent: That's what I do. How 'bout you, Miss? You need any water found today? Jennifer: Oh, no thanks. Emma: That's you on the make? No wonder I don't have any grandchildren. Brent: I'm thinking of getting my own set of rods. You know, not that I really need them but the family rods are little old, kinda used. Hank: That's pretty cool. Emma: I think it's kinda spooky, isn't it? He's like a man-witch. Hank: Is that like a Sloppy Joe? Brent: Ooo, I could go for one of those. Emma: Maybe not a man-witch, more like a warlock. Hank: Warlock? You mean like Harry Potter? That's awesome! Emma: Brent's a son of a witch. Hank: That means you're a witch. Brent: She's a witch! Wanda: Congratulations, you two. Here are the keys to your new house. Oh, and here's my card. I hope you'll consider me when you resell it. Lacey: This is a reminder for a dental appointment. Wanda: Well, it's got my number on it. Davis: This is gonna be great. I'm so excited! Davis: What have I done, buying a house to flip. What was I thinking? Lacey: Aw, c'mon. You've just got the post-purchase jitters. Davis: Yeah, I guess all couples go through this. Lacey: We're not a couple. But yes, and this house is great. Good roof, new plumbing, great kitchen, OK? Davis: Yeah, you're right. This is kinda of a charming, little place. Lacey: Oh yeah, we're gonna flip this piece of crap so fast. Karen: And stay in school! How'd I do? Hank: OK, what was with the hand flourish? Karen: I just thought I'd jazz it up a little. Hank: Yeah, but you're drawing attention away from the gum. I mean, we're not selling mittens. Oscar: Hank's right. It's about the gum. Karen: I thought next time, I'd do more positive messaging. You know, inspire the young people. Hank: Diva. Look, just still with the program. Oscar: Yeah, blow bubbles and look good. Karen: So, that's all I am, a pretty face? Hank: No, you're a pretty face behind the big bubble. Davis: You were right, painting calmed me right down. And the colour you picked for the bedroom, perfect. Lacey: Oh, well, it was easy. I just studied a dozen swatches, painted sample boards with three shades and then placed them in the room at different times of day to see the way the light danced across them. No biggie. Davis: Beautiful. It's gonna be great to wake up to. Lacey: You mean, someone else waking up to it. Davis: Oh, yeah. Of course. Hank: Oh, man, we're making a killing. At this rate, you can retire tomorrow. Oscar: I am retired, you idiot. Hank: Yeah, well, how would you like to retire again? Wanda: And how would you like to turn your profits into a lucrative real estate investment? Oscar: Real estate's too slow. Hank: Yeah, gum's the new gold. Wanda: Well, if you change your mind I'll be right here in my office. Oscar: Holy hell! Look at that! Karen: I decided it was time to get my pretty face out from behind the bubble. You guys don't mind a little competition, do you? Hank: Different coloured gum, shoots and spirals, it's a circus! It doesn't know what it wants to be. Oscar: Dinner and a show! Brent: And then this chill, no, it was more like a jolt. This chilly jolt ran up my spine. And then, the rods crossed. Wanda: Interesting. You know, if you made enough money doing this water thing, you might be able to upgrade to a slightly bigger home. Emma: You haven't found water until they actually dig the hole, Mr. Chilly Jolt. Brent: Well, I still prefer hot shot, but if you need proof, well, I guess we could go out there and check on how the diggings going. Emma: You just want to see Jennifer. Wanda: Ooo, Jennifer. Brent has a crush on Jennifer. Ha, ha. She in the market for a new house? Brent: Geez, you gotta let that go, you're not even a real estate agent. Not a real, real estate agent. You're like a fake estate agent. Wanda: Yeah, well, it's better than being a fake man-witch. Emma: Come on hot shot, let's go check for some water. Brent: Sounds good, just let me grab a quick shower and a shave first. You know, for the drive. Davis: Wow, that is something. Lacey: Oh, I know. It's misty grey for the window trim. Davis: Actually, I was looking at the view. Lacey: Well, it's misty grey, in case you're wondering. Davis: Imagining our kids, playing the yard. Lacey: Our kids? Davis: Oh, I'm not saying our kids, I'm saying the kids that you're gonna have and the kids that I'm gonna have, separately. Lacey: OK, Davis we need to talk. Davis: Ah, don't tell me you're not having kids. Who are my kids going to play with? Lacey: We are not having kids, OK? Well, I mean, someday maybe I might, if I meet Mr. Right. Or even just a nice, stable guy. My point is, we are not doing anything in this house. We are flipping this house, you got it? Davis: I'm not saying right away. Gum Kid 1: Hey, it's the gum lady! Karen: Hey, you crazy little gum-chewers. You staying out of trouble? Doing your homework? Gum Kid 1: What? Karen: Never mind. What do you say we go get us some gum over at the Chewby? It's what I call my machine? It's like the Ruby, but it's a gum machine, so I...let's just go get some gum. Gum Kid 1: No offense but we don't believe in chewing gum that's been tested on animals. Karen: Tested on animals? Karen: Cruelty-free gum? Jane: You should be ashamed of your gum. Karen: But my gum is fine. Hank: Yeah, sure. If you like hurting puppies. Karen: That's not true, I like puppies. Hank: You hear that? She likes eating puppies. Karen: This is slander. Oscar: Whatever, bunny kicker. Brent: Is everyone here? I just wanna make sure we're not missing somebody who should be here to witness this. Emma: He means Jennifer. Terry: Oh, she's around here somewhere. Brent: Should we wait, do you think? Terry: I think we hit something. Brent: Oh, you hear that Mom? I think we hit something. I wonder if I should have the first drink? Terry: What's that smell? Brent: It's called "Axe." Terry: I think we hit an old septic tank. Emma: Oh, congratulations. You found sewage. You still want the first drink? Jennifer: Oh, that't the worst thing I've ever smelt. Brent: Now she shows up. Emma: Well, the good news is that they won't be calling you warlock anymore. They'll be calling you crap-finder. Brent: You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you? Emma: No, of course not. Emma: Well, maybe I made one call. Wanda: And this, is the living room. These are our sellers, they love this house. Lacey: Yeah, we hate to give it up. Davis: Did you check out the bedrooms? One of them would make a great nursery. Husband: Yeah, we're gonna turn it into a home office. If we buy. Davis: So, you're not having children? Husband: No. Is the uh, basement finished? Wanda: With a little work, make a great rec room. Davis: Yeah, you can barely tell that anything horrific happened down there. Oh, don't worry, it was a long time ago. And as far as violent crimes go, you can hardly see the stains. Wanda: Ha, ha, ha, ha. He is a real kidder and a pathological liar. Anyways, you know what is a crime? The size of the bedroom closets. Scoot. Davis: Ow! What is with her? Ow! Lacey: What are you doing? Davis: They're not right for the house. They're just heartless profiteers who want to buy it and flip it. Lacey: That's what we're trying to do. Hank: Hey there, youngsters. More quality old-fashioned gumballs coming your way. Oscar: And remember, the more you chew, the less you talk. Gum Kid 1: No thanks. Your gum exploits children. Oscar: "Fair Trade Gum." Karen: My gum's sweatshop free. It's made for kids, not by kids. Hank: You can't prove that. Can she? Oscar: Kids made our gum? Wanda: Can I bring them through or is Stephen King gonna tell more bedtime stories? Lacey: We've talked, everything's fine. Wanda: And this, is our very specious living room. Lacey: Where nothing strange has ever happened. Jenny (Paint Woman): This place is perfect for kids. Davis: My thoughts exactly. Jenny: We'd have to repaint it. This yellow is an odd choice. Wanda: I know, some people's taste. Yeech, anyways, that can be changed. Lacey: No, it can't. Davis: Sure it can. You just paint over it. Lacey: First of all, it's not yellow, it's Spanish gold. And second of all, we're not selling you this house. Off you go. Davis: What are you doing? Lacey: I'm not selling to those people. Look, she wouldn't know Spanish gold if a Spaniard walked up to her and handed to her saying, "Here, have some gold." Wanda: All right, listen up you psychos. Get it together or get yourself another real estate agent. Lacey: You mean, a real, real estate agent? Wanda: Hey, I'm as real as it gets without having any credentials. Hank: Hey, I need to use your bathroom. You think you could use your fancy rods to help me find it? Brent: Wait, I'm sensing some crap right now, it's coming from your mouth. Hank: Ah. Karen: OK, what did you tell my customers this time? Hmm? Food poisoning? Carpal tunnel jaw? Hank: No. Those are both excellent ideas. Karen: My gumballs aren't selling. Hank: Well, don't look at me. Nobody's buying my gum either. Karen: I wonder what's going on? Brent: Well, the best way to solve any mystery is to stand around here doing nothing. Oscar: Welcome to Gumball World! Karen: Who are you, the greeter? Oscar: No, I got a deal going with the Foo Mart. It's not just gum anymore. Toys, stickers, gum? Hank: I thought we had something good at Corner Gum? Oscar: Stop living in the past. I'm thinking of adding wiper fluid and a ding-ding hose. Ha, ha, that's right! I'm back! Karen: Well, you can't beat the prices. Some of this stuff's only 10 cents. Hank: Yeah, but the gum tastes lousy. Oscar: That was a rubber ball, jackass. Hank: Score! Wanda: There's also a beautiful view from the kitchen. Perfect Man: Come on, honey. This is a little out of our price range. We do love the colour in here. Perfect Woman: Is that Spanish gold? Lacey: Yes. And there's sea foam green in the bedroom. Davis: As you can see, back yard's got plenty of room for your future little rug rat. Perfect Woman: The house is perfect. I'm just not sure that we can afford it. Perfect Man: Oh, what the heck. Let's do it. Davis: What smells like sewage? Wanda: It's just sewage. Harmless sewage. It's a good thing, keeps the raccoons away. Perfect Woman: You have raccoons? Lacey: No, the sewage keeps them away. Davis: Where's that coming from? Brent: I'm not really an expert. You know, my Mom is the real talent. Lacey: Well, keep on looking, crap man. Brent: You know, your real estate agent should have recommended a home inspection. Wanda: Hey, don't look at me. I don't have any credentials. New Woman: Hello. Can I help you? Davis: Ah, we have a house warming gift for the new owners. New Woman: We are the new owners. Lacey: No, no, a different couple bought the house. She was pregnant, had a flair for colour. New Woman: Oh no, we bought this house from them. Davis: You did? New Woman: Oh yeah. We paid a little more than we wanted but it was worth it. All we had to do was repaint a few walls. Brent: Oh, hey! I didn't expect to run into you again, out here on your farm. Anyway, I was just in the neighbourhood and I wanted to, you know, apologize for finding sewage. Jennifer: No, I'm sure it happens to everyone. I thought you were kinda cute about it. Brent: Really? Jennifer: But my boyfriend laughed his ass off. Brent: Ah, well, funny stuff. Boyfriend? Jennifer's Boyfriend: Hey Jen, is that the crap man? Oh, ho, ho. Hold one, lemme get my camera. I so gotta get a picture with the crap man. Brent: So, you thought I was cute, huh? Jennifer: So cute. You reminded me of my aunt. She fixed toilets. Brent: Well, I'm glad I made the trip out. Category:Transcripts